I went to a cast and crew screening with several friends. Among them, a mutant named Frank - an acquaintance of pal Rebecca. I met him once before and didn't like - but was polite out of respect for my friend.
The film ended and I suggested dinner. The girls were already grazing at the buffet and had to get up early. They declined. Frank however said he'd take me up on it. Doh! Too nice for my own good, I said allright.
Went to the corner bar by my house; played darts, ate sandwiches and had a beer. I had nothing in comon with this gangly Howard Stern looking phuker - we disagreed about work, politics, art, the death penalty, womens rights, you name it - he was a fool. (I think I even told him that.)
We came back to my house where his car was parked. Frank used the old 'Can I use your bathroom?' ploy. I should have told him to go use a filling station but I didn't think he was dangerous.
He asked if he could see trapeze video, I said OK...He wanted to play with the snake...I said OK. It began to look like he would never leave, I finally said 'I have to get up early Frank, buh-bye.'
He left the living room and headed for the bathroom. Or so I think.
He doesn't re-appear...I say 'Frank...what are you doing?' No response. I think, is he sick or something? I walk down the hall and see to my dismay that the bathroom light is off and my bedroom light is on. Oh no....
I walk in and there's Frank - sprawled out on my bed, naked, spread eagle, smiling at me. So gross to see him there nude on my blankets. I react much as I would if a dog had started peeing on my carpet. I yell 'NO! NO! NO! Put your clothes on and get OUT!' I walk out to the living room and eventually he appears - clothed & sheepish he starts apologizing.
'Don't say anything, just leave.' He's standing there with the door open and says, 'Well, don't get weird!' I just started laughing at him. 'OK, I won't get weird Frank.'
He later remarked to Rebecca, 'I don't know what she was so uptight about, I do it all the time.'
The Story of Frank, told by Alisa
As I told this tale to my friends (picture howling laughter) they started remembering their own Franking encounters - apparently Franking is a widespread practice - I video taped their stories then trancsribed them.
A boyfriend/husband/lover suddenly getting naked - nice. Franking is uninvited, gratuitous nonsense - funny as hell.
you R about to read is true - some of the names have been changed to protect
My franking experience happened when I was living in New York and I used to share an air shaft with this guy who lived above me; we used to sit in the window and talk with each other all the time. He would like, throw pennies at my window to signal he was around and we'd sit in the windows and talk really late at night.
One night I'm on the phone with my boyfriend and Rafe is throwing pennies at my window. I go to my window and I open it and I look up and he's doing something, I can't really see, he's sort of silhouetted against the window, and so I go,
'No no, Rafe, I'm on the phone, come
I come out of my bedroom and there he is stark naked except for a belt wrapped around his dick. And he is so proud of himself! He's like a little boy; and then I realize, of course, what he was doing was posing in front of his window, you know displaying all of his, what he considered assets.
I looked at him and screamed and my boyfriend goes 'What? and I said 'It's Rafe! - what? - He's naked! - WHAT! I mean, I mean...not completely.'
I'm like, 'Get upstairs!' And Rafe was so crushed, he didn't understand my reaction.
The story of Rafe - told by
Welcome to New York Franking
My first day in New York, I was pretty young, I went to stay with this girl I barely knew. She and I had been talking on the phone and she told me I could stay with her once I got into town. She didn't exactly have an apartment. Her deal had fallen through...so she says, 'Well, actually I've been staying with a friend of mine.' Here I am thinking it was really a friend. It was someone she barely knew.
He took us out, we went to Elaines. We ended up meeting a friend of his and all four of us went back to his place. We get back there and he's like, 'OK this is your room, you guys go in this room.' You know, pairing me up with his friend.
These bozo's are getting undressed right in front of us. I told my friend Cassidy I was uncomfortable. Then she admits, 'I don't really know him.'
I was furious. I told him, 'I don't know what's going on here but I'm not sleeping with your friend, I'm sleeping with Cassidy.' He throws a fit. 'What the hell are you accusing me of!?'
I mean, picture it. He's naked and yelling at me. It was so funny I had to laugh. That really did it then, he blows a fuse and he throws us out on the street. It's 4 AM in NY and we are out on the street.
The Story of a Naked
City - told by Crystal
Sneak Attack Franking
I met Sean at a nightclub. After dancing with him all night we gladly exchanged phone numbers. He was fun to talk to and it seemed safe enough since he was there with a friend of mine from college. He called me a week later and asked me out to dinner.
We went out for sushi and afterwards he invited me over to his parent’s house where he was temporarily living. His parents were at home and after talking with them for a few minutes we parted and went into an adjacent room to watch television. We cuddled together on the couch and started to watch a sit-com.
After a few minutes, I could feel his breath become disturbingly heavy. When I propped myself up to see what he was doing he immediately unzipped his pants, revealing his abnormally large penis. He stroked himself twice and came all over his shirt. I screamed 'Oh my God!' For obvious reasons and in doing so, alarmed his parents. They asked if everything were alright.
Sean didn't seem concerned at all and said all was okay. Please, the fact that he almost came on me was bad enough, but he also had a penis the size of a coke can; having sex with him would be more painful than child birth; And he couldn't even last through a commercial during 'Fraiser.' Believe me, everything was not okay.
He zipped up and drove
me home. That was the last I ever saw or heard from this Franker.
Franking in the Great Outdoors
A bunch of my friends decided to go camping for the weekend. There are four guys and five girls, a lot of us have gone camping together before and we all know each other.
We all get up into Kings Canyon, way the hell in the middle of no where. Everyone gets their camps set up and we go on this hike. There is a main trail that most of us want to follow, but this one guy, Danny, wants to go out into the great unknown off the trail. He is being really funny, saying 'It's time to get back to nature!' And he strips and goes running down the trail.
We all laugh our heads off and pick up his clothes for him. We shouldn't have bothered.
For the next two days, all Danny wore was bug spray. He swims nude, he fishes nude, he hikes nude, he cooks nude, he tells camp stories nude...we can't help but tease him about it - frankly, it was getting a little old, seeing his naked ass every time you turned around.
Finally he got a hideous sunburn and was forced to take cover.
The Story of a Toasted Weenie - told by Stephanie
I got Franked at my old offices by my personal assistant, if you can believe that. We were going to lunch and the men’s room was by the elevators - so Alan goes running into the men’s room and I am waiting for the elevator.
It comes and I am holding the door, waiting for him. He comes out of the bathroom and we get in. The next thing I know he is undoing his trousers and I am speechless as he pulls out his penis and adjusts it or something and then zips his pants back up.
I said 'What the hell was that all about?' And he said, 'If it's not hanging on the right it drives me crazy.' Maybe he was trying to entice me or something. Needless to say, I had him transferred to another department.
The Story of Alan
- told by Victoria
I met this guy when I had started my junior year of college. He stopped me in the middle of the street when I was driving and got my name & number. I decided to go out with him - he was really cute. We went out once for dinner and it was fine, so we made plans to see each other again.
The second time he asked me to come to his apartment to go swimming. So I arrive in my swim suit and shorts and he answers the door stark naked. Cooking lunch. But it gets better.
He parades around eating his lunch for a good 15 minutes. I say to him, 'aren't we going swimming?' He says yes. He throws on a pair of shorts and we go for a quick swim.
We get back to his apartment and he says, 'Do you want to take a shower?' And, as it's our second date, I'm not taking my clothes off in the shower. I get in with my swimsuit on. He, of course, enters naked.
And proceeds to sing the theme song to Phantom of the Opera to me. In the shower. Naked. His name was Tommy.
of a Phantom - told by Nicki
or The Traditional Flasher
My old roommate Dena and I lived in a town house in Los Feliz that had street parking; sometimes we had to park as much as a block away.
One night we were walking up the sidewalk & heard a 'Hsss...Hsss...' coming from a bush. We stopped to see what it was and a fat man with his pants around his ankles jumped out, grasping a very tiny, limp little willie.
We burst out laughing and I maced him. Not the response he was hoping for, I'm sure.
The Story of a Flasher
- told by Diane
More Street Franking:
or Potential Nightmare
I wanted to get to the street where there were at least cars, so I cut through the park but I felt like there was someone behind me. I turned around and there was a man about twenty feet behind me.
By the time I got to the street he was right beside me. His hand is down by his pant pockets and I saw him wiggling what I thought was a knife...which I was scared about...but it turned out to be a flaccid little penis. He was a short, ugly, balding fucker. Thank God he wasn't armed.
The Story of a Freakshow
- told by Kitten
Rock Paper Scissors Franking
One night my neighbor and I decided to get a drink in the neighborhood bar. We walked over and proceeded to get hammered. I said, 'wouldn't it be funny if we could play strip poker?' But we had no cards. So he said, 'what if we play strip rock paper scissors?'
I said, 'we can't, we'd get kicked out.' He said, 'let’s just play anyway.'
I said OK, so we started to play rock paper scissors; and being an expert in mind reading, he was taking off far more clothing than I was, at a faster rate.
The bartender approached us and asked what we were doing. I said, 'well, we're playing ro sham bo, is that going to be OK? Because he's losing.' She said, 'fine by me.'
At that point, pretty much everyone in the bar knew we were playing strip rock paper scissors, as our jewelry and clothing were appearing on the table. Within a few minutes my friend was stark naked and loving it.
Little did I know he was a true exhibitionist. He proceeded to put his leg up on the bench next to him, flashing the entire bar. They still recognize us every time we go in there.
I met a friend of mine for dinner, over at a friend of his. I walked into this beautiful mansion and was introduced to it's owner, George, who was supine on the sofa, making out with his girlfriend.
Twenty minutes later,
his girlfriend leaves and he asks if I want a tour of the place. I say
sure. We are walking around looking at his house and as we are, I start
to get this weird vibe from him so I mention my boyfriend. 'Gosh, our house is a postage stamp compared to yours.'
Approximately three seconds later he is showing me his bedroom and his dick. I escaped from his grasp, trying to laugh it off by saying, 'I thought you had a girlfriend?' 'Oh yea, he answers, she's joining us for dinner.'
What a jerk.
The Story of a Potato
Head - told by Rebecca
Travel Franking or You Don't Always Get What You Pay For
I was in Marakesh; as a general rule, Moroccan men don't treat foreign women with respect. Not all of them of course, but I was warned about them so I was ready to fend off some bullshit. My friend and I hired a body guard from the concierge at our hotel to take us around, this guy named Mohammed.
He keeps all of the freaky guys away from us, takes us wherever we want to go - but all day long he's hitting on us himself. We kept shining him and making a joke out of it - he was nice was fairly funny. Typical male behavior.
So we get back to the hotel after sight seeing all day and we want to take showers then go to dinner. Mohammed waits for us in the bar area. There's a Moroccan law that unmarried men and women can't be together in a hotel room - we always felt safe there.
We meet him in the lobby and he tells us about this great restaurant that his family owns. We say fine and get in the car. Remember that this is someone the hotel uses all the time for a guide/body guard so we thought we could trust him somewhat.
He takes us to what looks like a house. We think he want's to change or something, we say, 'do you want us to wait in the car?' 'No, come in this is it...'
We go inside and we can smell dinner cooking but it's obvious this is his home. We told him we wanted to go to a restaurant and he keeps saying 'No, this is it. This is a restaurant!' Then he disappears.
We decide to snoop around. It's this big ancient Moroccan house with a open air courtyard, it's really beautiful. We go upstairs and are looking down into the square courtyard and we can hear Mohammed yelling at someone in Arabic in the kitchen.
'Lets get the hell out of here...' 'Agreed.'
We are heading for the door when he literally grabs us both by the arms and stops us. He is trying to kiss us both on the face and we are laughing saying 'No! Stop it! We have to go!'
His shirt is unbuttoned - he tries to take my hand and put it on his crotch. We are both almost dying it's just too stupid. He pulls out his hard dick to show us. He was pretty proud of it.
Maybe he thought that since we were American, all he had to do was offer it and we would go crazy. We left in a hurry and caught a cab back to the hotel.
We told the concierge that maybe he should think twice before he sends Mohammed out with women again. He says 'You were not pleased?' Obviously not, dummy.
It hit us later, that that's what they thought. That's why they thought we hired him, to service us.
The Story of a Wannabe
Gigolo - told by Alisa
I have this friend of mine that I've known for a long time. I guess he really likes me but I'm just not interested. I should have gotten the hint when one day we were going to go to a movie or something. He comes over to the house and I'm late, I'm getting ready.
He's waiting for me in the living room. I come out of the shower, totally undressed, minding my own business - bedroom door closed.
All of a sudden the door opens and there's Chuck, just staring at me. I've got a hand towel to cover me up, or something, but at that point it's like who cares? 'Get out. I'm getting dressed, just wait for me in the living room...' So I think it's no big deal, whatever.
He leaves; and literally ten seconds later, he's in my room again. 'I'm not dressed yet! Get the hell out of here. I need a little more time than that.' So anyway, I should have known.
About two or three weeks later, we went for a bike ride. I'm sitting in the living room. He goes to the bedroom, and the bathroom is through there, so I'm thinking he's going to the bathroom.
I'm sitting around waiting for him, waiting for him, thinking what the fuck happened to Chuck, right? So I open the door to my bedroom, and there he is. Buck naked on my bed. Just like 'Hey baby!'
He's posing for me. Same thing as you - 'No No No No No! Get out!'
The Story of Chuck - told by
Card Table Franking
There we were at Arthur's house, playing cards. Arthur, everyone knows, is a nudist. And he lets everyone know; I think only so that he can then Frank you at any given moment.
We're playing spades (the card game) and Arthur comes down buck naked. And it's his house, he can be naked if he wants. And Arthur used to go bowling naked, I swear to God.
So there we are all playing cards and John looks up at Arthur and looks him up and down and says, 'Going bowling?'
of Arthur - told by Betsy
Franking: or Pim the Thong Man
Phone Franking! Here's the story. I'm doing room-mate interviewing and I get a phone call from this guy who at first seems very nice. Then he proceeds to - would I mind if he comes home and walks around nude, or wears his thong? And would the people at our pool be objectionable to wearing a thong, does any body wear a thong there? And I was like, well you know, I guess some people wear Speedo’s.
He kept coming back to it - he was extremely obsessed. 'You know, I'd like to come home and hang on the couch and walk around naked and if anything, you know, sometimes roommates get together and if anything happens would you object to that?' So. His name was Pim. Pim the Thong Man. Just what I want when I come home - I'm like, no - goodbye.
At four in the morning the phone rings, I don't answer it. Wait for the machine, the machine doesn't go off, two seconds later the phone rings again. I pick up thinking it's some kind of an emergency.
Get this, 'Hello there...' I was like 'Hello? Who is this?' 'Just somebody who wants to talk to you.' 'It's four o'clock in the morning!' 'Oh, I know, but I just want to talk to you, won't you talk to me? I'm naked...' 'I'm going back to bed.' After I hung up, I remembered his voice. It was Pim.
of a Wannabe Room Mate - told by Yvonne